YOUR LOVE TANK
On a scale of Empty to Full, how loved do you feel? Or in the language of psychologist and relationship guru, Dr. Gary Chapman, how full is your love tank?
If you’re having a great day then you are probably feeling full. Just like the benefits of a full tank of gas, a filled love tank can make you feel like you can go anywhere and do anything. The world feels full of possibility and potential and you have lots of love to share with others.
If you’re having a good day or an average day, your tank is probably half full. You’re able to work well with others, treat them with kindness, but there’s not much emotional margin if the wheels fall off your ride.
And then there are hard days or sad days or seasons when you aren’t feeling seen, appreciated, or cherished which tell you that you’re probably running on fumes.
My heart has experienced all these different levels of love based on my relationships at the time, the roles I was playing (ie. mothering can dry you up when you’re giving, giving, giving), and my own level of self-awareness.
What I’ve realized is that the secret to a full love tank is self-awareness, so let’s start there.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
In his classic book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman talks about love in the context of language. Every person, he says, has their own unique love language, a method of giving and receiving love, that when “spoken” will fill up the emotional tank. The first step to filling up your tank or the tanks of your loved ones is to determine what your or their love language might be.
There are five love languages:
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
If you feel loved when someone washes the dishes for you or helps you out in a tangible way, you probably speak Acts of Service.
If compliments and verbal encouragement make your heart swoon then you are a Words of Affirmation guy or girl.
If thoughtful gifts of any size make you feel loved and valued, then Gifts is your language.
If a hug or some type of caring touch can absolutely make your day then you speak Physical Touch.
And if just spending time with a loved one, whether sitting on the couch or chatting it up at Starbucks, gives you that wonderful feeling of connection, then you are a Quality Time person.
A note for men: unless you’re pretty touchy-feely with everyone in your life, your main love language is not likely to be physical touch. I’m not saying that sex is not important to you. What I am trying to do is get your tank filled emotionally.
Learn more here.
OWNING YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE
It’s important to understand how you receive love so that you can educate those around you what’s important to you.
Because here’s the kicker: You are responsible for getting your needs met.
It’s not your husband’s, wife’s, best friend’s, or even your mom’s job to fill your love tank. Other people are not supposed to read your mind and know what you need. That is your job.
Owning your love language means that at a minimum, you know what you need. Understanding and admitting your needs is part of the humility of an authentic life, even though for women, this is no easy task. As the gender socialized to ignore our own needs in order to care for the needs of others, we are often a mystery to ourselves.
Remaining ignorant to what you need is dangerous because it renders you helpless and powerless to fill your tank. It requires you to depend on others to tell you who you are, and they don’t always get it right. But, if you understand what you need, because you’ve taken the time to reflect on and observe yourself, you’ll be able to seek out healthy sources of love like getting a pedicure or massage (Physical Touch) or hiring a housekeeper or assistant (Acts of Service).
You’ll also be able to request the love you need from others. Let them know a ten minute face-to-face conversation (Quality Time) means infinitely more to you than a bouquet of roses or some swag from the office (Gifts). Or that vacuuming the living room (Acts of Service) says I love you even more than a great hug or kiss (Physical Touch).
Now, if the people that you request love from are unable or unwilling to provide what you need (I’ve been there too), you’ll need to take extreme ownership of your heart. The tips I offer in the blog, When No one Is Speaking Your Love Language, will start to fill you up again.
SHARE THE LOVE
As your tank begins to fill, go out and share the love.
Become a student of your husband, your children, your coworkers, and your friends. Notice how they express love because it’s usually the same way they like to receive it. If they always buy you sweet little gifts or speak kind words to you, Gifts or Words of Affirmation may be their primary love language.
Notice what hurts your loved ones the most. Is it a lack of affection? That points to Physical Touch. Is it when they don’t get time with you? They probably speak Quality Time. Or maybe it’s a perceived sense of laziness? That would signal that they value Acts of Service.
Love languages are also our Achilles heels, so the way your tank is filled is also the area in which you are most sensitive and vulnerable to a lack of love.
WHAT YOUR WORLD COULD BE LIKE
Imagine what your family or your workplace could be like if every one had a full tank?
What misunderstandings could be avoided? What conflict could be resolved? What potential could be tapped because you and your team were firing on all cylinders?
It’s kind of amazing to think about, isn’t it?
While you can’t do all the work to make that happen because you were never designed to be everything to everyone, you can do your part.
1. Know your love language.
2. Own your love language and share it with others.
3. Seek out ways to fill your own love tank
4. Be on the lookout for how you can gas up those around you.
I hope today your tank runneth over!
In your corner,
DALE
